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"Come what come may, time and the hour run through the roughest day."

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You've officially surpassed Los Angeles as my favorite place, on Earth.
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it's so hard to describe how I feel right now. I guess heartbroken and struggling to make sense of a myriad of emotion would come closest in terms of accuracy. I hated this year. that's not to say good things didn't happen, namely the birth of my daughter and watching my children grow but, overall, the year SUCKED. I was forced to face ugliness about myself and see, firsthand, how the closest of relationships can implode and fade away, when no identifiable reason can be found. I'm so sick of feeling sadness and pain, all the time. Sometimes, I feel close to letting go, and getting on with my life but mostly I just feel stupid, forgettable and small.
2013, go away and suck big fat donkey balls. 2014, please live up to the fortune cookie fortune I got today, promising me that the "skies above will rain success onto you." Yeah, I could totally get behind that...
Current Mood:
gutted
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I'm posting prolifically again.
I didn't do anything but go grocery shopping today. I slept in super late---until around 10 or 1030. I just felt drained today. Last week was emotional and busy and it just left me exhausted. When I wasn't sleeping or grocery shopping, I was reading, watching a little of Alton Brown's "Feasting on Asphalt" marathon on the Food Network, and playing around on the "interweb." I also made a half-hearted attempt at straightening my hair but I gave up, deciding that I would rather re-wash it and start the whole process over--tomorrow. I don't have the energy or patience to mess with it right now.
I'm a little nervous because my grad program basically starts on Monday. Classes don't begin for me until Monday August 28 but I have a variety of events to attend to this week. On Monday, I have to meet with the faculty members in the Department of Social Work, and the other graduate assistants, for coffee at 8 AM. After coffee, we grad assistants have to go to a university-wide training for all of the TAs and GAs from 930-5 or 530. Then we have training all day Tuesday and Wednesday as well. We also have to make a ten minute "teaching presentation" on Wednesday, on a topic of our choice. Yikes! I think it is ridiculous because the GAs in our department don't even teach classes independently.
The new grad student orientation is all day Thursday but I'm planning to blow that off. I think we can just do the required orientation activities via the web and since I've been a student at this particular institution forever, I don't want to hear more of the same old, same old. Plus, I selfishly want to have some time off. I've rambled on long enough. Good Night.
Current Mood:
lethargic lethargic
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I've become such an addict. I've won almost everything I've bid on, save one item. Someone keeps outbidding me on it. Since I really do not want it that badly anyway, I'm giving up. I used to wonder how people got sucked into e-bay but now I'm starting to understand. I'm usually not so materialistic!
Edit: Crap, I just found something else I liked and I bid on it. All of my money is going to e-bay. I have to keep away from that website!
Current Mood:
frustrated frustrated
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Well, I worked two shifts at Bernice Mathews today. They had me work some extra time there today, since it was my last day.
During the after school program, we played with water balloons, took the kids on a walk to Paradise Park and back. We then served them dinner and the day was done.
I'll miss those kids soooooo much. I don't think it is going to hit me for awhile. They were hugging me and begging me to "just work one more day." It was sweet and touching. They made me a poster with their handprints and names all over it. I'm going to hang it up. Selene, my boss at the school, gave me a picture of the kids holding a banner that said "Thank you" and gave me a little bag filled with assorted memorabilia from the 21st Century Learning Center. I was so lucky at these two jobs. I had wonderful experiences and worked with wonderful people. I'll miss them all.
I'm so tired I need to crash. I can't think of doing anything else. Tomorrow's a free day though. I have nothing planned.
P.S. I do have hope that I will see some of the kids again. I'm being kept on as an on-call/substitute for the programs. If one of the TAs can't make it, and if I'm available, I'll be called into work. I think I'll jump at the chance to do it, if I don't have class or some other obligation, because I love those kids so much and seeing them will make my day.
Current Mood:
exhausted exhausted
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I'm finishing up my last shift at the library right now. I get off at 7 tonight. One boss gave me flowers and a card and another gave me a little gift that I have yet to open. Erin hugged me and started to cry. She told me to make sure to not lose touch and I won't. I can't believe my time here is done. I turned in my keys to the building and the library tonight. It is time for me to move on though so it is all good.
I took Ruben and Zach bowling earlier today at Starlite Lanes and I (sigh, gasp!)won (I'm a ridiculously terrible bowler!) but I didn't break 100. It was fun and they're cute. Next week, Ruben and I are planning to hit Wild Waters. We were supposed to go with the whole family today (which was outrageously fun last year) but some people were sick. I'm hoping we can find a time when everyone can go, before the park closes down for the summer. If not, oh well.
Current Location:
LHS Library--for the final time
Current Mood:
okay okay
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I feel really blessed and fortunate to know that there is a place on campus where I can go, where people that I love and care about love and care about me too.
Current Mood:
sad sad
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Just when you thought that I could not get any more nostalgic about the jobs I'm leaving at the end of this week, you thought wrong. I was barcoding in the stacks this afternoon when I overheard Karen telling Amy that tomorrow is my last day at the library. Amy wasn't aware that my last day was approaching so quickly. I went on my break and decided to treat myself to Jamba Juice. "Salisbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel was playing in the car as I drove toward the entrance to I-80 west. All of the sudden, I broke down and cried. I couldn't believe the fact that I'm going to be leaving the amazing people at the library so soon. I couldn't believe that I would no longer regularly be appearing in the place (the library) that has basically served as my second home for the past year and a half. I've felt really sad and heavy-hearted ever since. I had to try to compose myself in order to speak to Tina this afternoon and I succeeded.
Then, I came back to work this afternoon and was greeted by Erin. I asked how she was doing and she said "Okay." She seemed really sad so I figured something was going on. She then proceeded to surprise the heck out of me by telling me how she wasn't aware that my last day was coming so quickly, how sad she was to be seeing me go and that I absolutely have to drop by and visit and not lose touch with her and my co-workers here.In fact, she now tells me she's going to bring a movie for me to borrow (tomorrow) so that I will have a reason to have to come to the library and visit her. How sweet! I was floored and extremely touched by everything she said. She's just the most amazing and enthusiastic person. I can't say enough good things about her!
I got a Peach Pleasure smoothie at Jamba Juice and now I'm just kicking back and finishing my shift. I still feel really sad. It is amazing what knowing this week is my last at these jobs has done for my attitude toward them. My attitude has improved ten-fold and I'm not "sinfully" wishing time away as much as I usually do. Peace.
Current Mood:
crazy sad yet happy
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I voted in the primary election today. My voting place has switched back to being the beloved elementary school I attended, Elizabeth Lenz. I had not set foot in that school since I voted there in November of 2000 (My polling place switched to another school, further away for the years 2002 and 2004.). Prior to voting there in 2000, I don't believe I'd been inside Lenz since I graduated from the school on June 8, 1994. I love that school so much. I still go there, on my nightly jogs and spend time on the school grounds but I never get inside it anymore. Everything looked so much smaller than I remembered it being!
I'm trying to enjoy every minute I have left to spend with the Bernice Mathews kids. I still can't imagine not seeing them on a weekly basis, watching them grow up, sharing "precious little moments" with them, hearing all the cute things they say etc. They've been a huge part of my life for a year now and I will miss so many of them so very much.
Doing the before school program this week has been filled with bad and good. It is horrible to get up and be at work that early (though Angie has to be at work even earlier so I shouldn't complain!) but, at the same time, it has given me an opportunity to see two of my favorite kids again. When Marisa saw me on Monday, it had been two months since I had seen her. When she saw me, her face lit up and she sounded so excited when she said "Janet!" It was really touching and totally great to see her again. I will also miss Alexandra, who has talked to me, just about every morning, over the past year. I do hope to see her in the future as she is a Little Sister. Hopefully we'll see each other at Big Brothers/Big Sisters events in the future. I love these kids so much and I am so sad that I'll miss talking to them.
At the after school program today, we played tennis on the Mathews playground. It was so much fun and I totally got my exercise for the day. During homework time, I had about five kids demanding my attention at the same time. Usually, this would have frustrated me. Today, I just tried to savor it.
I'm now, in the next week, going to try to catch up on correspondence I've been neglecting for a long time. Thank you to everyone who has been patient with me.
Current Mood:
thoughtful thoughtful
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